rejecting quality?

what makes people fall in love?

what makes people fall out of love?

love... always the question and never the answer. i couldn't answer these questions either.

february 13th. i met my friend gani. finally, he was in Baguio again, two days after my birthday, better late than never. so he's here.

as usual, we met at session road and carried on with our walking ritual to pacdal. this time though, he suggested that we try resting at botanical garden. so we did, we chose to stay under this nearly dilapidated Kalinga hut. he sat at the entrance and i entered at the back, and sat on one of the slabs that used to support the floor. there was no floor now. some vandal or arsonist probably found it useful for a bonfire on a let's-get-drunk-today day. anyway, we started conversing. he asked me what happened to my recent relationship and after a little convincing i yapped about how he used the term cool-off and that he was tired of our relationship and that he found a spark with someone else instead, yada yada. and so i said, "but i'm okay now. i'm enjoying myself." with a smile. i always smile anyway.

now his turn, he related to me that he went to a neurosurgeon and that he had a tumor that makes him stronger than average and intelligent than average. well, duh! he is intelligent! anyway, he didn't want his long hair shaved nor have a bald spot on his head so he never went back for a biopsy. oh, the doctor didn't give him the line "you have six months to live" too, just that yes, he may die and a "prescription" for him to smoke again. weird but i found it cool. he said he was like superman now due to the power the tumor brought. what a thought, but possible.

then he related to me the story of annie lou, the girl he loved and longed for who got married last summer and tried to forget. it was so sad. so sad that i didn't know what to say. he regretted that he didn't go to her wedding, because the next and last time he saw her was in her wake. the husband survived but she didn't due to a car accident. what aggravated the dark story was that after she died, two more of his friends left this earth for good.

change topic, we walked back to town and he asked me where to? i said it's up to him and he suddenly hailed a cab and opened the door for me. where to?! oh, cafe by the ruins. it was night now and we were like the only customers before it closed at 8:30.

and so the conversation continued and he popped the question. "what were you thinking about when you texted me that day last year?" he was pertaining to the text i sent him as a reaction to his abrupt confession of love for me. i was confused then because i didn't know he was already in love with me after our walks and cups of coffee and bottles of beer and slices of pizza when i met my instant handsome chef boyfriend. the awkward situation started...

he walked me home and asked me "answer me, so, was there anything? is there anything? will there be anything?" i was like... oh no...what should i say. and then i said it. "there never was. there never is. if there ever will be, i don't know." he said, "you're making me stay..." i said, "just go gani. go to dubai or hawaii, don't stay. i said i don't know because i don't hold time in my hands. but go."

i was thinking i was stupid rejecting a quality boyfriend. i mean CNN was eyeing him and he had a choice to work with Reuters in Dubai or be a war correspondent in Hawaii. but no, i am not blinded by practicality because i won't go for practicality over love.

he is one strong and stubborn lover i tell you. then i remembered that earlier he said, "ang lakas ng dating mo. para kang strong ice. whappak!" i took it as a compliment, that was a good comparison.

i suggested we walk back to session road, so we did in silence. silence was never a big deal with us because we enjoyed silence. then i asked him if there was anything else he wanted to say because i was waiting. we sat at outside one of the buildings of UB and i said, "i'm sorry but i don't feel anything for you. i don't want to try because t never crossed my mind. i'm not worth it. and there are better girls out there for you. it is not true that i am your level. you are far more higher than my level." the words, "don't you you think i should be the judge of that? there is no more, there is only you." whoa! i can't find the words to break his admiration for me anymore. until now as i write this, after i sent him an e-mail.

it is true that he never gives up but this time he should let go. there is a difference.

so yes, in the long years of waiting and hoping for someone worthy, here comes one guy, intelligent, interesting and in love with me that he'd do avything for me - a girl's dreamboy. alas, i ain't compromising love even if he is quality. i guess i still prefer to fall for dysfunctional or overly imperfect guys. or maybe it's just the wrong time for us. we never know.

in love...there is no such thing as common sense.

oh dear, i'll have to deal with the stupidity of falling in love again... my day will come. my prince will come.