stepping into a new realm

i said yes to an invite three days ago. impulsive. spontaneous.

so far, i'm not regretting that i did show up Karlo's office doorstep. i mean, i was just there to borrow Romantic Manifesto, which i don't have yet, and now i'm a newbie in the realm of theater.

my first day, it was like, okay, what am i going to do? i might get yelled at for stupidity or ignorance. har har! so i cut holes in garbage bags and "design" a costume with the group. i feel silly, a good side of being silly though, because we were like, all over one garbage bag and were not able to come up with something haute couture-ish for Karlo. bwahaha! it was fine. it was fine.

honestly, i'm really a silent person but i can be a blast in the long run. i can surprise people actually and i like that... being unpredictable.

i'm currently observing the guys i'll be spending long hours with. i am like that. like the old wise owl who speaks less and sees more. when you see more, you hear more.

i know that Karlo might read this, so far, i've seen things and heard words which made my heart heavy. when i was thinking about my day before i slept. i understand though, there are fragments in the lives of people that are evident, some hurting, some cruel. but everything has a reason and a season, besides, i always almost want to believe that there are instances that are just what they are and i'll leave them at that.

going back, the day of the show was fun for me. it was an exciting experience backstage. i like working backstage actually, that's where the action is. where things are pure. where things are clear. where things are seen and heard and felt.

i appreciate that hug of thanks from Karlo after the show. and i shall never forget that he was somehow controlling his tears after the artist.

there was a line that hit me. i didn't expect i would feel that way when i heard it. i mean, i've heard it before, in Karlo's rehearsals, i've read the script, but i guess it's in the way he felt that night. the wavelength of his passion and fear and sentiments probably reached me as i smoked a cigarette, sitting backstage, peeping through the backstage door and feeling blank, lost in the moment of words and silence.

"...Freedom is the opposite of responsibility..." hearing this, i felt tears well up in my eyes. i suddenly thought, "huh? what?" then parts of my life came rushing like the tides nearing the shore. thoughts concerning my family and how we are at this point of our lives. how i am right now, wanting them to know how i really feel and see life.

until this moment, i ponder on ways to reach my family and let THEM realize that this IS how we live nowadays, like acts from Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll. that these are the truths of the world. or maybe, just let them realize that THIS is how and where I live.

nothing seems to be the same anymore and we can never go back. we just need to move forward and be free. stay free from responsibilities beyond the word responsibility. yes, beyond the word responsibility.

i'm happy that my debut into theater was through Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll. here goes God again, like the experiences i had years ago when i came back to Baguio, S/HE brought me near something that shall make me realize who i am and what i am.

unlike other theater fanatics, well i'm not really a fanatic, they may know everything about theater, they may be better actors, better performers, etcetera, but i'm not competing with them, they can have the best roles. you know what i'm stepping into theater for? it's not the medium, it's the message... that changes lives.

not the efficiency of how an actor performed or how well written a script is or how interesting the set design is or how many people watch the show. i have a different passion, it's the passion of learning life through lives of whom i work with, play with.

i am here with you now to share life with you.

for you

dearest you,

i just feel like sharing this to you. i may never admit it in your face nor be honest that this is how i feel. don't take it personally; oh, and don't mind the love thing. i just appreciate it so much that at times i feel like this when i'm with you.

it's just a good song. maybe one day, you'll hear it.

it just feels like home in your arms, the comfort you bring and everything unconventional in this situation we are in.

it's just a song, just a song...


Feels Like Home
chantal kreviazuk

Something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself
In your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
The rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've felt so low
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back whereI come from
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
A window breaks down a long dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see through the dark there is light
If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I've never thought I'd love anyone so much
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back whereI come from
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

rejecting quality?

what makes people fall in love?

what makes people fall out of love?

love... always the question and never the answer. i couldn't answer these questions either.

february 13th. i met my friend gani. finally, he was in Baguio again, two days after my birthday, better late than never. so he's here.

as usual, we met at session road and carried on with our walking ritual to pacdal. this time though, he suggested that we try resting at botanical garden. so we did, we chose to stay under this nearly dilapidated Kalinga hut. he sat at the entrance and i entered at the back, and sat on one of the slabs that used to support the floor. there was no floor now. some vandal or arsonist probably found it useful for a bonfire on a let's-get-drunk-today day. anyway, we started conversing. he asked me what happened to my recent relationship and after a little convincing i yapped about how he used the term cool-off and that he was tired of our relationship and that he found a spark with someone else instead, yada yada. and so i said, "but i'm okay now. i'm enjoying myself." with a smile. i always smile anyway.

now his turn, he related to me that he went to a neurosurgeon and that he had a tumor that makes him stronger than average and intelligent than average. well, duh! he is intelligent! anyway, he didn't want his long hair shaved nor have a bald spot on his head so he never went back for a biopsy. oh, the doctor didn't give him the line "you have six months to live" too, just that yes, he may die and a "prescription" for him to smoke again. weird but i found it cool. he said he was like superman now due to the power the tumor brought. what a thought, but possible.

then he related to me the story of annie lou, the girl he loved and longed for who got married last summer and tried to forget. it was so sad. so sad that i didn't know what to say. he regretted that he didn't go to her wedding, because the next and last time he saw her was in her wake. the husband survived but she didn't due to a car accident. what aggravated the dark story was that after she died, two more of his friends left this earth for good.

change topic, we walked back to town and he asked me where to? i said it's up to him and he suddenly hailed a cab and opened the door for me. where to?! oh, cafe by the ruins. it was night now and we were like the only customers before it closed at 8:30.

and so the conversation continued and he popped the question. "what were you thinking about when you texted me that day last year?" he was pertaining to the text i sent him as a reaction to his abrupt confession of love for me. i was confused then because i didn't know he was already in love with me after our walks and cups of coffee and bottles of beer and slices of pizza when i met my instant handsome chef boyfriend. the awkward situation started...

he walked me home and asked me "answer me, so, was there anything? is there anything? will there be anything?" i was like... oh no...what should i say. and then i said it. "there never was. there never is. if there ever will be, i don't know." he said, "you're making me stay..." i said, "just go gani. go to dubai or hawaii, don't stay. i said i don't know because i don't hold time in my hands. but go."

i was thinking i was stupid rejecting a quality boyfriend. i mean CNN was eyeing him and he had a choice to work with Reuters in Dubai or be a war correspondent in Hawaii. but no, i am not blinded by practicality because i won't go for practicality over love.

he is one strong and stubborn lover i tell you. then i remembered that earlier he said, "ang lakas ng dating mo. para kang strong ice. whappak!" i took it as a compliment, that was a good comparison.

i suggested we walk back to session road, so we did in silence. silence was never a big deal with us because we enjoyed silence. then i asked him if there was anything else he wanted to say because i was waiting. we sat at outside one of the buildings of UB and i said, "i'm sorry but i don't feel anything for you. i don't want to try because t never crossed my mind. i'm not worth it. and there are better girls out there for you. it is not true that i am your level. you are far more higher than my level." the words, "don't you you think i should be the judge of that? there is no more, there is only you." whoa! i can't find the words to break his admiration for me anymore. until now as i write this, after i sent him an e-mail.

it is true that he never gives up but this time he should let go. there is a difference.

so yes, in the long years of waiting and hoping for someone worthy, here comes one guy, intelligent, interesting and in love with me that he'd do avything for me - a girl's dreamboy. alas, i ain't compromising love even if he is quality. i guess i still prefer to fall for dysfunctional or overly imperfect guys. or maybe it's just the wrong time for us. we never know.

in love...there is no such thing as common sense.

oh dear, i'll have to deal with the stupidity of falling in love again... my day will come. my prince will come.

one fine day

my eyes opened...partly. lack of sleep. i had a choice, i could stay but i'd rather go home. home for a snack and forty winks.

a new day after a night of fun at ayuyang, after a night and day rather.

so we rode the jeep. expecting i won't get a peck on the cheek, got down at that irritatingly bottleneck of a rotunda and walked home. the sun really felt good. the rays directly on you, with my shades on and a smirk on my lips.

my father was in the sala, watching his daily dose of ANC. does he really watch and listen to that channel? well, it's his daily habit anyway--to monopolize the television.

i locked the door. switched on the radio, took of my pants, ate one of the oranges i left on my bed, wore my sister's pink tie-dyed shorts and fell asleep on my bed with a pile of clothes. i haven't continued fixing my room that's why i keep it locked, well aside from another reason i don't want mama to know.

the texts kept on coming. my sister asking me where i was and if i'd date today. i replied, "home. sleeping. no date." then dennis texted pestering me with questions about my singlehood. he annoyingly uses this statement " sorry ha kung matanong ako". duh! in a way i wonder why i ever placed my arm around his waist on my day. harhar! no regrets. more texts i'd rather ignore.

anyway, i got up, ate my rice meal while my father watched NGC. took a bath. dried up. wore my blouse for the day. groomed myself with the usual - facial lotion, cheek tint, mint lip balm, pink lip color, pink eye shadow, a glittery eye liner and revlon mousse then i comb. then i choose the earrings and the bracelets and put on my jeans and spray raspberry scent on my chest, neck, blouse, jacket and shawl. hmmm... smells good. now i'm ready to face this hyped up valentine's day feeling pretty.

so i go to class but only lourdes, jenny and this pretty married girl in the room. "no one else?" "only us, probably because it's valentine's day". so i peed(?) and left them.

off to session road! where you meet all these made up girls and guys holding hands and flowers on the other arm. cheez! this day is really a big deal. it wasn't like this last year. but i don't feel sad which is a good thing for me.

i enter lester's shop, he's doing this henna tattoo for a kid. ah, my welcome kiss and a strawberry shake on the way. yum! i wait til they're done. lester decides to come with me to see anne. i go out first and greet tommy hafalla seated with a couple of artists. and so we walked, lester offers that we ride a cab, so we do, him in front and i at the back. the driver fuels the taxi at a nearby gas station. why in the world should he be doing this now when he could've done it when he had no passengers?! so we pass through south drive and reach lualhati. i yell out for anne, peep inside her room window and she comes out front.

we walk up the hill and along the dry "lake"? hmm... what to do? buy beer! harhar! so after buying a bottle each of red horse and a few chicharon - all courtesy of lester - we go "saan tayo iinum? tara sa tago". when we reach that tago site, it's evident that the couples there had the same thing in mind. we laugh it off and joke, "tara nalang sa kita!" eventually, we sit on anne's sarong and drink up with the setting sun obscured by the pine trees and the rising last quarter moon over our heads. ah this is the life, with stories to tell and memories to share, we face the road from that hill and bask in the unconventional heart's day activity we have abruptly planned for ourselves. yeah, you don't need a mushy place with flowers and candlelight alright. it just takes a fresh outlook, or maybe we were all vacant and dateless? could be. so the sun sets, the beer made me even more sleepy and innocently funny. we ride a jeep to town.

so, lester left us and we look at each other, "let's walk". up session, we wanted to have a cup of coffee at Oh my gulay! it was full of dating couples. i asked robert for a vacant table at the veranda but to no avail. we sat near the wheel, sonny came over for a little chat and we finally left the place. meeting Kidlat Tahimik as we descended the stairs, i greeted him happy heart's day, hmmm... well, what do you expect, he's an artist, he wants to be different. so he's celebrating the heart's day on March 14, princess someone's birthday (how stupid and irresponsible for me - a filipino - to forget this ancestor's name); so yeah, we'll celebrate it with you next month!

the perks of walking? anne was seen by a long lost friend, Cesar, who turned to know my name because he knew my father. old timers. oh well, it led us to have coffee and tea at volante and tell stories. the valentine texts kept on coming the lovers entering volante kept on coming like this place was so big that no one was leaving, they were just going in and in and in. it was noisy now in volante, it was already filled with people you don't know, like they were taking it away from you and you want to scream "who are you people? you don't have the right to be here! you're not from Baguio! leave Baguio! and let us be! you don't know how Baguio means to us locals!" grrr!

anyway, the text i was waiting for from someone arrived; i left anne with Cesar and Duds and i met brandon with his new hair - he looked cool, even cooler- we bought beer, some food and rode the trip to his crib. he was my finale. my heart's day date but it isn't really that way with us.

brandon is my february, just like charlize theron in sweet november- minus the illness, and probably, like what i told him from the start, my someone who makes me feel a little less alone.

we had a good sleep... first time in weeks. this was how my one fine day ended.

after v-day

after v-day... i decided to check my e-mail. nothing interesting there but ironically, i've been sitting here for almost three hours now. it only crossed my mind to view the blog karlo's texted days ago. ho hum sonofagun, i remembered, i only had soup (instant), water and a few sips of coffee this morning at a friend's house. it's almost four pm, i have a meeting with my groupmates in film but i'm taking my time typing whatever comes to mind. it's crowded now, in this net shop near our house and i'm feeling blank. blank? yup, blank. but something in my head goes blip blip blip blip. what is it? maybe it's sleep, sleep, sleep or eat, eat, eat. right now, i'd rather eat. eat? but i'm trying to lose weight. why? due to an abrupt break-up and a wake-up call. geez! what love can and can't do to love fools like me.

i typed a loooong letter to ian a while ago through friendster and instructed kathy to tell ian to forward that letter to him, that'll save me time anyway. it contained details on how i've been after january 23rd and i'm doing okay.

ooohh...what's showing on the shop's tv is a sex scene but it looks like someone's gonna die, with the music and shots shown. aargh!

cut!