a saccharine exaggeration

I log on to my friendster account whenever I get to log on to the internet. And lately, i almost always have time to surf the net -- for free!

Of course I've noticed, you know, the pictures uploaded by friendster users. Sometimes, the picture is all that matters.

Pictures of cartoon characters, anime, celebrities, cars, landscapes, portraits, group pictures and any visual thingamajig you can upload. I have a cropped nude picture. But lately, or maybe just today, I really noticed -- and i am annoyed -- by couple pictures. Like a boyfriend-girlfriend together picture. Know what I'm saying?

Heck yeah! I am single. And all of my high school and college friends are like "In a relationship." I am cool about being single. It's just a label anyway. Besides, I think that checking the In a relationship box is a jinx for my love life status. Har har!

Honestly, those couple pictures irritate me. Arrgh! Well, they're just so mushy especially with those captions! Corny! So PDA-ish and over publicized.

Boybi said I'm bitter. I'm not. Boybi said I am. I'm not. Boybi said I am. No. Boybi said I am, because I don't have a picture with a boyfriend to be uploaded for friendster. No I'm not bitter. Finally, maybe, but not quite. Probably just a PMS thing.

What happened to my hopeless romantic side? Things change. My outlook when it comes to love changed. Man, I have learned the art of detachment. At last. Or am I already cynical? Nah.

Like Atheism -- as I've heard from a classmate in Philosophy way back in my UPLB days -- you don't need to proclaim it to the world.

It. What it? Love. Like love. I believe so. I feel so. You don't need to advertise love. Love finds its way out one way or another.

Love brings you and your loved one out in the open whether you like it or not.

I have nothing against those couples proud of what they share, I think it's sweet. I guess I want to take the road less traveled this time.

It's always good to be mysterious sometimes.

To my sweetest illusion, let them think what they want to think. See what THEY see.

I know that was a joke. And you know I know you don't mean it. We are single right? And we don't need no picture!

Pictures paint a thousand words and I'm glad I paint pictures with you.

Hey Boybi! I'm not bitter! Come on! Check out your friendster friends, exaggerated right?

A saccharine exaggeration.

moon walk

We went to get the wheels of Tita Ninj at the office and rode a cab to Tip-top to return it.

After viewing my little cute cousin's candid pics in Val's video camera, little Bret wanted more. So we took more pictures and laughed the afternoon away. Kids, they're so cute and innocent. Innocence that brings truth and honesty. In their laughter. In their tears. In their silence. In their voices.

Tita Fely, Lola Putin, Val, Boybi, the kids and I walk to the nearby store where Tita Celia was. At last, Sting allowed Boybi to carry him on his shoulders. Bret, the playful kid that he was wanted me to do the same, obviously i can't so he settled for a loving piggy back ride instead.

A few glasses of soda later, Boybi and I leave my huggable cousins and we go on foot.

Like a tour guide I pointed to houses owned by Dolphy, Laurel, Pagdanganan, Parsons, etcetera. It was also kind of a house shopping moment for both of us. You know talking about ideal houses, dream homes and the like.

It was a nice, relaxing walk. Reaching Pacdal, we stopped and grabbed some streetfood. Then riding the jeep to town was when it all started.

The beautiful moon. It was so big and bright that I watched it chase us in awe. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. I don't understand why some or maybe more people never appreciate sunsets and full moons. I ask this question to Boybi and he said maybe that's the way it is.

Maybe... maybe, if every single person loved such simple things then it wouldn't be so magical at all. Maybe, if everyone noticed magical things then it wouldn't have any effect after all.

I arrive home and get some stuff. I leave again. The moon hides behind the clouds now and it doesn't seem so near anymore. Still I walk. Moon walk. Loving every step I take under the pale moon.

Maybe, the moon knows what I feel for him. That's why he shows up and comforts me at the right places at the right time.

To moon walk... in my world... is to walk in the darkness with yourself as the light.

there's something about karlo

obviously, most of my blog posts have karlo's name in it or a phrase pertains to karlo. karlo. karlo.

my sweetest illusion is going to flare up again. come on my sweet, don't.

it all started when i took time to read one of karlo's blogs and i posted a comment. we didn't know each other personally then and we become blogmates.

so basically, my primary reader is karlo. but surely, this blog is open to anyone to read.

in a way, karlo patronizes what i write. good or badly written.

so i'm just thankful for his support. now, now my sweet, don't get irritated again. besides, you are in most of the topics i write. i love you you know... well, even andre knows. har!har!

karlo.karlo.karlo and karlo again. you're all over the place. don't make my sweetest illusion jealous.

you're a good friend you.

thank you.

a day in a biag... life

i come here quite early to meet my sister's boyfriend bitong. ooh, chocolates! i'm some kind of a messenger to them since their assumed eloping happened. you really can't stop love once it flows. like covering an open pipe of water when it's on and the pressure is so strong you can't push nor cover it with your bare hands without any help. water... will eventually find its way out and i presume that love can too.

tim came up and borrowed some stuff. accompanied me for awhile with bitong. gabby was here too and then they eventually left. andre came by on his way to the gym and rodney arrived.

how sweet, this kid confiding in me so openly. i felt good being a big sister to him. unfortunately i don't think i had all the answers to his inquiry about his gender. so open indeed that i didn't expect he'd tell me what happened to him yesterday. oh well, he should get a second or third opinion from mommy dhell and a straight guy. was there sense in what i advised him? i hope so. what did i say anyway, oh, that he should observe himself first and not get into a relationship just to prove what he feels abotu himself. because... there is a season and a reason for everything. that sounds fine.

then andre arrives from the gym. karlo's not here, he'll be back wednesday but leave again and be back saturday. man, i sound like karlo's personal assistant. in a way, i am. besides, i like knowing where people are and what they do. it makes me feel useful.

so, taking breaks from checking my friendster account, i chat with andre about what he does and los banos and baguio and my sweetest illusion calls inquiring who i'm with. so, i'm still with andre and rodney. so after we say goodbye, out of the blue, andre pops the question. "is _ your boyfriend?" i say no but look away. we laugh! it's obvious that i'm lying, well, if figured out by those who easily detect body language. but hey, i didn't lie. _ is not my boyfriend. he's something like that.

and so our journey into the wacky and emotional love lives start and end with xavier's arrival. that was a cute bonding between andre and i though. like falling in love... according to what andre said, spontaneous.

this has been a spontaneous day for me.

when i leave this office, i wonder what life has to offer when i meet with my different set of friends.

i'm having a feeling that BIAG is really godsend. we are all a part of life and the surprises it brings. nice choice to name this group such.

i know karlo, you're god. pffft!

for my sweetest illusion

hi. so, i'm writing about you and anyone can read it. that was what you wanted right?

love really moves in mysterious ways and that mystery of how love moved has caught up with us. we never expected this time would come. i never expected this moment would happen. the surprise was wasted on me (wasted in a good way).

so now we somehow defy our limitations and try to do what we want to do as "someone like thats."

your eyes are different now that you love me. the mystery and angst turned into comfort and gentleness. whatever your eyes may show, they are and will always be beautiful to me. remember when we were questioning why?... "why you have beautiful eyes."

your stare... you have a warm stare now. when you ogle at me as we watch television or look at me when i sleep. oh i feel that alright... and you say you love me. ah, like the line "i love it when you watch me sleep and say you love me. i love you too." now that line's finally applicable don't you think? sweet huh? i'm realizing that most of the quotes i've told you at the start of this relationship eventually came true. i just hope my fears don't eat me up and eventually petrify this companionship we're sharing. that would be reality that i'll need to accept but another hurting truth.

when the july rains come my sweetest, i hope that i have an umbrella to keep me dry at the right places. and i'm hoping that whatever happens, i won't be under the shadow of gani's "hurting comes not from what is lost but from what remains."

on a lighter note, i really really appreciate how you care for me and possess me as your own. i apologize for the times i am insensitive, i know i am... at times.

nevertheless, i love you too.

you deserve the term sweetest illusion. you are and always will be my sweetest... illusion. well, right now you are a reality.

from pepe to norah

I took a break and decided to be with Norah.

After arranging the props and costumes, I had to get away from the people. I don't know why. I just felt irritated? Probably due to my monthly period, but hey, I don't think so.

I charge my cellular phone. Play Norah who is thankfully where I left her. I sit and write. Ah... serenity? Well, minus the carpenters sawing, cutting and hammering, as well as the drivers in their vehicles blowing their horns. Then, Dimps arrives. I have nothing against her, but of all people? Not that I was expecting someone to suddenly appear.

Hi. Hello. A little chat (if you consider that a chat). She smokes. I apologize for not being an effective conversation starter, being honest with her that I'm not talkative. She agrees saying she doesn't talk that much either. Good. I went to the office to be alone anyway. She eventually leaves.

Ah, Norah, if only I had an installed player in my system so I can easily turn you on when the need arises.

After a few minutes, ate RL comes. It's okay because she'll be in the office anyway. So, I continue writing.

So, Mai, why so emotional?

It's March now, thankful that my sweetest illusion "renewed" our "contract." Damn! Stupid! Silly! Situations we do for love? No, no. No love involved. No love involved? Well, okay, somehow, love is given but no falling in love right? Right. I'd definitely like to keep that in mind - in heart - for this "relationships's" entirety.

If only I can LIVE in your songs Norah. If only I can vanish into thin air at times and BE something else. That would be nice. That would feel good.

Now I can only hear your voice and only your voice singing as I write. Thinking about what I'm doing here - with performers - with issues (har!har! that's how Karlo put it!), nevertheless, I'm glad, I'm learning things gradually.

There are moments though that I feel stupid because I can't seem to do or comprehend simple stuff like I'm having a learning deficiency? or something; I hope I deliver though! Damn! I hate myself!

Ho, hum. What's next?

Oh, yes. Thinking about my sweetest illusion again...

What is it with him that makes me want to pamper? What's new? I almost always pamper people. I tend to spoil them. In fairness, he does too... during our time together at least.

I hope he's not regretting he renewed another month. It was good to know it was he who initiated though. At least, at one point, there's mutual want or need.

Norah, why do you sing these songs? Help me here. Wish I'd absorb your words and blurt them out as my own.

One thing Norah, I just hope I don't really, eventually fall for him. Complicated. It would be wonderful but if the complications are there, to hell with loving purely.

The cold is creeping up on my arms now and I guess I'd better go and check on Pepe. Hope you accompany me home Norah or better yet, stay... Stay with me my friend. I'll be needing you to keep me company through this unconventional setting I've been living in for a month now.

Get me through another month... pretty please?